Archive for Relationships

Leaves are like People!

Rodney Agan / November 28, 2012 / One comment

I recently took a few days alone at a cabin in the mountains of North Georgia to pray and study.  While sitting on the deck reading one day, I began to look at the leaves around me.  The fall season in Georgia is beautiful.  The leaves start changing colors then they turn loose and fall to the ground.  As I was sitting there, tree after tree was losing leaves.  Many were barren or getting close.  I began to think about this, and realized a truth about leaves that reminded me of people.

1-    They change as time goes by.  In Georgia, the leaves begin their change around October.  If you know what is happening, you can see it coming.  At first their color changes ever so slightly, then at a certain time and temperature they completely change.  People can be just like that.  You can see when they get complacent, agitated, angry, apathetic, etc.  If not dealt with soon, they will make complete changes, and not for the better.

2-    Many turn loose and go their way.  As I studied the leaves I realized many of the leaves evidently turned loose at the first gust of wind, but others were hanging on longer.  Eventually, I would see a lone leaf let go.  Soon another one and another.  It seems that people today want less commitment than ever before.  When they make a decision to “let go” you have to let them. 

3-    Most have no sense or control of their destination.  When the leaves let go of the tree branch they have no idea where they will end up. They have no steering wheel or motor. They are at the mercy of the wind to take them where it will.  People with no purpose or goal in life have no idea where they are going and therefore, they simply go with the circumstance of life.  They never do anything to take control of their own lives.

4-    They end up in a pile with no identity.  After blowing around untethered for a while, they eventually hit the ground. When they reach the ground, they usually never move again unless something or someone bigger than themselves comes by and moves them.  People with no purpose in life just “survive”.  They are unhappy, unsatisfied, but unmotivated enough to move.  These people live and die without making a real difference in the world or for those following them. 

5-    They never make it far.  When they make it to the pile, in reality they fell a long ways “down”, but not very far “away”.  They can always see where “used to be” but never where they “could be”.

You might want to check out a earlier blog I wrote about, “Some People.”

Category: Change, Communication, Personal Development, Relationships, Responsibility / Tags: , , , , ,

Come On, Give Yourself Some Credit

Rodney Agan / November 20, 2012 / No comments

We are inundated with self-help and leadership material that it is confusing.  It seems that each one suggests a different method. They all want to have a corner on the market.  By the time you sit through the entire seminar, read the book, or listen to all the podcasts, you feel less in control than when you started.  It is definitely true that we can all make improvements, but give yourself some credit.  You must have something already inside, or you would not have the thirst for more.  Give yourself credit; you have more potential than you think.

Give yourself some credit:

1-    At least you SEE you have a problem; many others CAN’T. Usually the people who need the most help are the ones that already “know everything”.  If you don’t believe it, just ask them.  They are glad to point out your shortcomings but for the life of them, can’t see their own.

2-    You have learned your limitations; many others DON’T.  Many people are doing things in which they are unqualified to do.  If you don’t believe me, look at politics.  It is commendable that you realize where your limitations lie so you know where to start working.  If not, you will spend unnecessary time and money working on things you already know. 

3-    You are willing to make the necessary changes; many others WON’T.  Change is hard, especially the older you get.  Changing careers or ministries after you have been there a long time are most difficult.  You get in your comfort zone and change will surely throw you out of it. 

Just know this, in the society we live in today, most careers have a shelf-life. You are wise to recognize it before the inevitable happens.  You will be one step ahead.

Category: Communication, Personal Development, Relationships, Responsibility / Tags: , , , , , ,

Giving Children Someone to Look Up To

Rodney Agan / September 28, 2012 / No comments

Children are always looking for a role model.  If they see a fireman, police officer, or doctor, that is what they would like to become. By tomorrow, they may have something else on their mind.  The point is, they are very impressionable and in need of the right kind of examples to follow.  We are examples whether we want to be or not.  We are examples whether it is a good one or not.

Here are some ways we can give them a good example:

1-    Always be honest with them.

Don’t try to hide or avoid the truth when necessary.  Obviously there are times they may not need all the information, but when we do give it to them, give them the truth.  If you lie to them, they will find out, and later never trust you again.

2-    Learn to say, “I was wrong.” 

Children are used to adults teaching them to admit wrong, but they are not used to adults admitting wrong.  If you do this to children they will trust you more.

3-    Don’t try to live your life through them. 

Remember, God made them individually, and for a purpose.  Often parents want to live vicariously through their children.  The things they could never do, they force on their children.

4-    Value their opinion.

Children are honest.  They have no pretense or ulterior motive.  Learn to listen to them.  Things that are serious to them are just as big to them as things that are serious to you.

5-    Model consistency. 

Be the same with them day in and day out.  They need to see maturity in us, or they will never know what they are to become.  Children need stability and they learn that from us.

What are some other ways we can be a good example?

 

Category: Leadership, Parenting, Personal Development, Relationships / Tags: , , , , , , ,

Patriotism Pt 2 – My Responsibility as a CITIZEN

Rodney Agan / September 12, 2012 / 2 comments

This is the second of three posts on the subject of Patriotism.  In the first post I discussed our responsibility as a “Christian”.  I would like to look here at our responsibility as a “Citizen”.

Christians are not exempt from being good citizens.  The Bible commands us to obey those who God has placed in authority over us. We are not to play God, but are to act godly.  As a citizen you and I have been entrusted with protecting the freedom that we enjoy in America.

Here are my thoughts:

1- VOTE RESPONSIBLY

I might even drill that down even more and say, VOTE!  If you do not vote, do not complain.  If you do not vote, I believe you are violating a God-given mandate.  It is our responsibility. Take it seriously and study the candidates and their platform … then vote!

2- EVALUATE HONESTLY

In this election I hear people stating that since they cannot fully support a candidate, they will simply not vote.  NEWS FLASH: There has never been a candidate that you or I could fully support.  We are all different and see things differently theologically, philosophically, and ideologically. Not voting IS a vote… for the worst candidate!

3- EXPECT ACCOUNTABILITY

There is nothing wrong with holding our lawmakers accountable.  We are spending our way into poverty. We are legislating immorality. We are allowing an attack on religion.  These, along with many others, are important issues.  We should look for candidates who best align with our beliefs and vote for them. But, don’t stop there.  Hold them accountable.  Write an email, call their office, or better yet, pay a visit there.  I have been to Washington and visited the offices of our Senators and Congressmen.  I found them to have an open ear and eager to listen.  If that does not work, vote them out!

4- RESPECT AUTHORITY

I am grieved at the names and hatred people spew out of their mouths and hearts when it comes to politics.  Whether or not I agree with the President, does not negate my responsibility to pray for him and respect the office.  We are teaching our children a lesson about authority and many times it is not good.  We should do our due diligence to know a politician’s stance before we vote.  If someone is elected with whom we cannot fully agree, go above their heard…pray for them.  In the Old Testament God turned the heart of wicked kings.  If God decides to leave them in office, that is HIS business.  There may come a time when it is the “lesser of two evils”, pray about it and vote the best you can, but VOTE!

We have a responsibility as a citizen!

You can go back to Part 1- My Responsibility as a CHRISTIAN
or you can go to Part 3- My Responsibility to my CHILDREN

Category: Patriotism, Personal Development, Relationships / Tags: , , , , ,

Through the Eyes of a Child

Rodney Agan / August 30, 2012 / No comments

I wanted to write a follow-up post to a guest post from Michael Nichols yesterday entitled, “Non-negotiables of a Healthy Family”.  Raising a family is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, things an adult will ever do.  Children view things from a much different vantage point than we do as adults.  Not only are they physically shorter, they have far less experiential knowledge, too.  Just because we are chronologically older than they are does not mean we are mentally superior to them in every way.  We may know the ways of the world, but our viewpoints are also tainted by the input of experiences whether good or bad. See an earlier post: Parents are the Problem.

Children on the other hand look at things in a much different light.

1-    Children see the good in you.

They look at you for who you “could” be or “should” be, and think that is who you really are.  They do not yet realize how bad someone can really be so their mind sees you as they imagine you to be. They believe you are making decisions in their best interest, so they completely trust you.

 2-    Children see you without all the baggage.

They can’t see all the hurt and damage caused by bad decisions and experiences of life.  Since they have not yet developed a long-term memory, there is not a mental dictionary to explain all of your “adult” problems.  They look at you with pure, unfiltered eyes.

 3-    Children see you as who they want to become.

They see you bigger than life.  They see you as perfect and mature. They are watching your every move and mimic you in every way.  All they know, they are learning from you.  You are teaching them how to have a home, how to handle money, how to treat other people, and even a work ethic.  You are their hero, good or bad.

The next time you start to make a decision look at it through the eyes of a child.  I just heard Governor Tim Pawlenty say, “Getting a tattoo…it seemed good at the time, but one day you will have to explain it to your children.”  One day we will have immature children who become mature adults. They will see us for who we “really are”, not for who they “thought we were.”

Category: Leadership, Parenting, Relationships / Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Non-negotiables for a Healthy Family

Rodney Agan / August 29, 2012 / 7 comments

Non-negotiables for a Healthy Family

This is a guest post by Michael Nichols. Michael is Administrative Pastor at FBC Midlothian in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. You can read part 2 of this post on Michael’s blog at http://www.michaelnichols.org/non-negotiable-family and follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

The most heart-breaking stories are those of broken homes and fractured relationships. There’s one reason – because in most instances they’re avoidable.

This past week I was told of two families who are navigating incredibly challenging circumstances. In one household, the father has a history of abuse and the family has had enough. In the other, one parent was convicted of embezzling funds in the workplace and is serving a long-term prison sentence leaving behind a spouse and 3 precious daughters.

It didn’t have to be this way

These unfortunate situations are the direct result of bad decisions. They’re avoidable! And many similar situations (not all that different from yours and mine) are avoidable too.

But – and this is the difference-maker - it will require you to be more purposeful than you’ve ever been.

It’s not enough to deal with life as it happens. It’s not enough to succeed in your career and expect home life to work itself out. It won’t be enough to send your children to the best schools your money can buy. Taking them to church won’t be enough. It’s simply not fair to expect your spouse and children to keep it together when your behaviors demonstrate that family is not a priority.

So – if you’ve ever cared about your spouse, what your children will become, what you are leaving for your grandchildren, or what matters most to those who love you most - now’s the time to really do something about it!

Here are 2 essentials for healthy families - and you CAN do them. Everyone can…

(I’ve included 3 more non-negotiables on my blog today – when you get through here click over for the BONUS content!)

1. Time

Sarah and I spend a significant amount of time with Madison and Andrew. And we love it. I’ve previously written about spending time with our children - you can read about it here.

But there was a time when I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to. Not because I didn’t care. Not because I didn’t love them. I simply had not made home life a high enough priority to elicit a change in my behavior.

It’s true – to most people love is spelled t-i-m-e. Our children love our time together with them. So last night I laid down with Madison in her bed and talked about all kinds of “important” stuff.

A few moments ago, she walked in while I’m writing this post – I stopped and helped her buckle her sandals. And I’ll walk her to school this morning. Why? Because I have more time than the average dad? No – because she is a top priority for me.

If you’re like me, you’ll have to schedule significant time into your calendar for family or it won’t happen. At first it will feel forced because you’re changing old habits. But the longer you do it, you’ll get better at it and it will feel more natural.

2. Full attention

It’s one thing to spend time with a spouse, a son, a daughter, a grandchild. Yet I’m learning that HOW we spend the time together is far more important.

Are we fully engaged in the moment? Do they know that they have our undivided attention? Do they feel as if they are the most important person in the world during our moments together?

Or do they only get our undivided attention when we don’t have something more urgent to do?

Madison craves our undivided attention. For more than 7 years she was an only child. So she was regularly asking my wife and me to play with her. I wish I had done so more often.

We’ll never get parenting right 100% of the time – but we’ll get it right a lot more if we are purposeful with our time.

Question: What non-negotiables would you add to the list? Share your thoughts in the comments.

 

Category: Communication, Parenting, Relationships / Tags: , , , ,

A Daddy’s Fear and A Daughter’s Dream

Rodney Agan / July 30, 2012 / One comment

I recently wrote a blog about my son entitled, “It’s Time To Become A Man.”  As a dad for over twenty-five years you would think it would get easier, it doesn’t.  It’s not worse, just different.  Today I’m writing about another phase in our life.  Paula and I have poured much into our children and she loves them as much as I do.  There is something special about the love of a mother that no one can duplicate. With that said though, there is a special bond between a dad and his daughter.

This past week, our daughter Lauren, became engaged.  I remember when she was a little girl wanting her to be a daddy’s girl.  She would have nothing of it.  One day as an elementary girl, she came home and I saw she was wearing a necklace that said, “Daddy’s girl.”  I had finally arrived.

Thinking over what is happening in her life, I realize that this is part of the dream of a little girl, but it is also the fear of a dad.

1-      As a dad I fear losing her heart to another, but she has dreamed of giving part of her heart away to another.

2-      As a dad I feared if she could find someone to protect her like dad, but since a girl she has dreamed of a man who could protect her like her dad.

3-      As a dad I feared I would lose her one day, but as a girl she has dreamed of having another man who would love her unconditionally just like her dad.

4-      As a dad I feared that she would not find a man who would want to serve God with her, but as a girl she has dreamed God would send just that kind of man.

5-      As a dad I feared one day I would not be needed any longer, as a girl she dreamed of a man who would treat her the way her dad has treated her.

She has been in Colorado spending time with her boyfriend’s parents.  Paula and I surprised her and along with his parents were able to be nearby when he proposed.  At the base of the Colorado Rockies something big happened…a daddy’s fear became a daughter’s dream.

 By the way, I am needed…to pay for the wedding!

Category: Parenting, Relationships / Tags: , , , ,

Some People are like Spare Tires

Rodney Agan / July 25, 2012 / 2 comments

Recently I saw a car with a spare tire on it.  You could tell that it had been on it for a while.  Some cars are designed with smaller “donut” tires.  These are smaller and less durable than the regular tires on the vehicle.  They are not designed to travel as far or as fast as the regular tires.  Some people drive around with the spare tire as though it is permanent but it’s not.  These people are driving around acting like everything is normal, yet everyone else can see that there is a problem.

Since some people are like spare tires, you need to realize:

1-    They will not be around long-term.  These kinds of people can only go so far.  They are not the kind of people with whom you want to build a long-term relationship.  They do not see the value in commitment.  When things get rough they will fail you.  No one would drive a car with four spare tires, and likewise no one should surround themselves with friends that will not last long. At the first opportunity replace them with a real friend.

2-    They are fake, not real.  These kinds of spare tires do not have the specs of a normal tire.  They are different in size and quality. People like this are not real friends. They will be a friend for a while but they cannot perform with the level of quality you need because they are simply not capable. They will never perform like a true friend because they don’t know how.  They have been a “spare” so long they don’t know how to be “real”.

3-    They will always slow you down. Spare tires are not designed to travel over 50 miles per hour.  You can drive them faster for a while, but soon they will go flat themselves.  They will go as fast as they want to go, not as fast as you want to go. They are not designed for rough terrain.  So-called friends will slow you down because they have their own agenda. When things get rough and you need them most, they will fail you.

4-    They are not dependable. Spare tires are designed to drive to the nearest tire store. They are not designed like regular tires to travel 60,000 miles or more.  These kinds of tires are designed to be stored away and never to be used.  Friends who have character flaws will never be true friends. They will only be around for the ride.  Their character is not to be a true friend, but to see what they can get out of you.

We should not “use” people like a spare tire, but we should also be aware of how they can “use” us, too.  Do not allow someone to talk you into being a permanent, trusting friend in your life until you see if they have what it takes to be real.

Have you had these kinds of friends in your life?

Category: Personal Development, Relationships / Tags: , , , , ,

Are You Saying More Than They Are Hearing?

Rodney Agan / July 6, 2012 / No comments

We all need to communicate more effectively.  To do this, the first thing we usually think about is how well we can speak.  Just because there are people standing around when you are talking, it doesn’t mean that you are communicating with them.

Have you ever been talking with a person and realized they were not listening?  How did it make you feel?  I am sure we have all had this happen.  It makes us feel unimportant and not valued.  Let’s be honest.  We have all done it to others, too.  Sometimes we get distracted or have a lot on our minds.  As a result, we don’t pay attention to someone who is trying to talk to us.

On the other hand, a person who really knows how to listen and connect with you makes you feel as though they are your best friend.  There is something special about a person like that.  We need to consider how this is done.

1-    Body language – When talking to a person, think about how you are acting.  Most of the time your nervousness or agitation can be seen through your mannerisms.  You may run your fingers through your hair, let out loud sighs, roll your eyes, or even shake your heads in disgust.  This is telling others that you are not comfortable or simply do not care.

2-    Eye contact – This one is a personal pet peeve.  If you are talking to me, look at me.  I believe it shows disrespect to look away or over someone’s shoulder when they are trying to talk to you.  Look a person in the eye when talking or listening.  This shows respect and honesty.

3-    Pauses – When talking, realize that you do not have to say everything you know in one run-on sentence.  When nervous or upset, you usually talk longer, faster, and louder.  Take a breath every few sentences and give the other person time to respond.  Pauses are good when speaking in public, too.  It allows a moment for the information to sink in to the listeners mind.

4-    Space – This one might be a bigger turn-off than you can imagine.  When talking to someone, respect their space.  I think you should stay an arm’s length away when talking to a person.  When you enter “their space” it makes a person feel threatened, or at least uncomfortable.

5-    Be concise – You may need to have some preliminary conversation, but as soon as possible get to the point.  The more you “ramble” the more the point becomes lost.  The more words you say is like putting water in coffee.  They more water, the less coffee you taste.  Think through the point you are trying to get across.  Have tact and warmth but do not be afraid to say what is on your mind.

The more you can listen and pay attention, the more people around you will want to hear what you have to say.

What else could help us communicate more effectively?

Check out: Communicating Through Conflict
Negotiating A Resolution

 

Category: Communication, Relationships / Tags: , , , ,

DIGITAL AGE: A REAL COMMUNICATION KILLER

Rodney Agan / July 2, 2012 / 5 comments

Communication is the keystone to any relationship whether it is business or personal.  Learning how to articulate yourself and be heard validates you as a person.  Communication is more than just talking, it is being heard.  We have every level of communication imaginable all around us.  In the air around your heard there are television channels, Wi-Fi signals, radio frequencies, and cell phone transmission, just to name a few.  There are people talking to you and around you.

Here are my views about how the digital age can become a communication killer:

1-    It gives INFORMATION but takes away COMMUNICATION – One lesson in education is, “The teacher has not taught, if the listener has not learned.” That teachable moment is when communication has taken place between teacher and pupil.  Through Social Media we learn a lot about people, but still do not really know them.  People like to post on Facebook and Twitter because they can control the information, but many people read it the wrong way.  Through search engines we can learn more about a person than we need to know, yet we may never meet the person and get to know them.  I receive resume`s through email all the time.  The old-fashioned way of dressing up and introducing oneself is almost obsolete. You can read all about someone, but getting to know them far exceeds it.

2-    It gives IDENTITY but takes away PERSONALITY – My dad grew up in a home with eleven children.  My grandparents owned a farm where they lived and worked together every day for over sixty years.  They never had a phone in their home.  One day the children bought one and had it installed.  After a few days, now one could reach them on their new phone.  When someone went to check on them, my grandfather had disconnected the phone.  His reasoning was, “If it’s important enough to talk to me about it, it’s important enough for you to sit on the porch and talk.”  That kind of one-on-one communication doesn’t exist in the digital age.

3-    It gives ACCESS, but takes away RELATIONSHIPS - I am convinced that the digital age is playing a toll on communication between a husband and a wife.  Before the cell phone age, communication was much different.  I would work all day and rarely have an opportunity to talk to my wife, Paula.  When we both arrived at home in the evening we discussed all the happenings of the day.  Now, with smart phone technology we text, email, and talk multiple times in a day.  When we get home, there is nothing left to talk about.  Relationships are built by communicating from the heart, face-to-face. A “hug” beats a “like” any day of the week!

How do you focus on the communication you need? Watch for another article soon.

How can we use digital media in a positive way to foster communication? Leave a comment below.

Category: Personal Development, Relationships / Tags: , , , , , ,
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